Here I am again, on the road and no home insight. I have been homeless for a while now. It’s quite discomforting. My son told me I need to watch “Nomadland” so that it would give me perspective.
A couple of months ago, I had my usual words with one of my children in a phone call with the conversation always returning to what a horrible person I am, but of course, they/he/she loves me. People downstairs and a 1/2 block away heard they/he/she yelling at me.
After the call, I emailed my ex-husband. I know my kids adore him and have never interfered with that, unlike him. He was a dirtbag to me and there isn’t a way around that married, and divorced. I was the one that ate the apple, so I bear some responsibility, and the downfall has been difficult for me. Two wrongs will never make a right. So, after 11 years, I emailed my ex and told him something he never knew and asked him to fix it and make it right. I asked him to tell my now-adult kids that he hit me. My kids and I have been at a breakpoint over that for well over a decade. To live a lie with one’s children thinking the absolute worst of you for over 11 years is a feeling worse than death. And you live it daily every time you look in the mirror or see one of your children. I’d have picked Hester’s Scarlett “A” any day over the looks of my children’s eyes at me.
I have no clue what the outcome was from that email. I will never bring it up, or ask the kids. But, I did it.
For the first time in years, my kids made a concerted effort to spend Mother’s Day with me and we all connected in Denver, CO where the eldest lives with his gorgeous and talented fiancee’ and rescue pup dog, Holly. And as the festivities concluded and I headed back to my hotel before flying back to San Diego, my adopted home of 38 years), Middle said to me, “Don’t let him be mean to you” (meaning big brother). Duh! That’s what started all this up so many years ago. Cycles and Patterns.
One day, I want to write about something else, like the best vegan, gluten-free cookies. Or why if we focused our efforts on less meat and more plants at a health level and sold veganism as a total package, the world would be a better place. Less animal consumption, more mindfulness to our health and what we consume, a demand not to just manufacture better but to remove the additives, the sugars, the oils, the salts, and fake fibers. We don’t all need to be Whole30 (really, no grains or legumes???) It’s not whole30 to just slaughter things either- you had to make a fire to cook the meat and you may as well make a fire and boil some water and heat some grains- the total elimination of the foods that are literally low lying fruit just boggles me, as does the idea of intermittent fasting. It will always be skipping meals and eating less. I call it python eating. Finally, writing something other than MY poor sad family existence.
Since then, my career has upended itself neither good nor bad, …like a holding zone (no, not flight 828 Manifest). I packed my tiny Toyota Prius C, and I took off, 13 hours away from my home. Looking for a reboot. Not running from my problems; just needed some new energy. Something. True Confession- I would love to fall in love and look aimlessly, daily, for Mr.Right and beginning to think I may not have the right coordinates on my GPS.
I have a meeting later today that could change the fates of all, and not sure what is next as I make new goals to fulfill the dreams that used to fuel my days.
I got so used to survival that I haven’t planned anything. That’s all about to change. It’s Go time and grab it all. Life in the fast lane.